Please sangat tawwwww...

Please sangat tawwwww...

Sunday, December 30, 2018

Fasa 3 : To the doctor

Aku dah masuk fasa 3.
Semalam aku dah jumpa doctor.
I know this might sound poyo, but I cant cakap Melayu about it with the doctor.
I find it easier if its in English.
I dont know why.
Maybe because of the terms/words usage.
Selang sehari aku kena pergi buat checkup.
31st December.
2nd January.
4th January.
6th January.
8th January.
10th January.
12th January tu maybe doctor akan decide apa seterusnya.
Doctor ada bagi ubat.
Tapi body aku reject ubat tu.
Makan ubat tu, terus muntah.

Harap tak kantoi la asyik ulang alik buat checkup ni.
Seriously harap tak kantoi.
Aku tak ready nak bagitau mak.
Aku tak rasa aku akan ready.

Anehnya, kat sini aku rasa masa berjalan terlalu cepat.
Tulang tulang di badan dah mula timbul.
Aku mampu makan sikit saja.
Sehari seketul ayam.
Atau sekeping biskut. 
Kalau ada yang aku berjaya makan lebih sikit, lepas tu akan muntah.
Dah tak boleh.
Pagi tadi I went for cycling as usual.
Singgah rumah mak Dila, sebab Dila ada balik cuti.
Dia dan kakaknya tanya, kenapa kurus sangat?
Aku sengih je.
Aku tak boleh nak makan sangat.
Memang aku rasa seksa, tapi macam ada benda berketul kat tekak.
Dada aku rasa pedih.
Rasa berat.
Macam ada batu besar tindih dada aku dan diseret perlahan lahan ke perut.
Rasa satu kesedihan yang aku taktau mana aku nak campak semua ni.

Aku teringat malam kelmarin.
Malam terakhir sebelum dia balik ke Ipoh.
Kami berpelukan, berbaringan di katil, bercakap tentang hal "itu".
Kami cakap dalam keadaan separa berbisik.
Dan juga separa menahan sebak dan sedih.
Tapi akhirnya, seperti 2-3 kali perbincangan sebelum ini, we both cried.
We asked for each other's forgiveness for the thousandth times.
He said he forgave me because its not my fault.
But, still, everything happened because of me.
Because of "it". 
God knows how I feel.
He said at least we tried, we put efforts, then we'll decide.
We'll make decision.
That benefits both of us.
I cried when he said that.
I hugged him tightly, so did he.
In fact, while writing this, I cry.

This is no ordinary situation.
Its freaking difficult for both of us.
For me.
For him.
But for me especially, because it happened because of me.
There's no way I can deny that.
There's no way he can deny that.

I didn't know life could be this hard.
I wish I knew.






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Jangan komen guna caps lock atau terlalu banyak tanda seru. Gua ade sakit jantung. Hehehe.