Please sangat tawwwww...

Please sangat tawwwww...

Monday, December 15, 2014

Apabila menampal lukisan di dinding dikira komitmen

Dah pukul 2.30 pagi.
Tadi aku tak tau nak buat mana satu dulu.
Tengok movie, melukis, atau basuh baju.
Jari aku sakit.
Luka tak tau datang dari mana.
Jadi aku tak boleh nak basuh baju atau melukis sangat.
Well, yeah, I watched Madagascar instead.
Tapi aku dah takda tshirt nak pakai untuk kerja, maka aku terpaksa juga basuh baju.
Basuh a few sahaja.
Jangan tanya macam mana aku basuh baju dengan jari yang luka tu.
Pedih tapi kita kena harung juga sebab benda tu kena dibuat.
I'm suck at this, you know.
Hidup ni biar miskin cemana pun, tapi mesin basuh kena ada.
I hate doing laundry.
Baju memang sebakul dah ni.
Kalau bongkah emas mungkin dah boleh jual dan enjoy duduk hotel Caesar's Palace, Vegas.
Bunyi macam cerita Hangover kan?
Yeah, I know.

Semalam Khizanat penuh dengan manusia sebab ada Khottal dan ada promo tour filem Terbaik Dari Langit.
Bront and Sharifah Amani were there.
Since I'm an awkward person dan aku taktau nak act macam mana bila orang dah ramai, bila dah takda orang nak masuk tengok show Khottal, aku angkut bekas ice cream berisi duit entrance fee dan pergi ke dapur.
Yeah, aku goreng kentang dan makan dengan sos mushroom.
Have you guys try it?
The glorious Khizanat's mushroom sauce in Ipoh?
Its glorious because I'm the one yang masak sos tu.
Because it has my touch.
Ha ha ha.
Resipi tu Yasin punya.
Dia tukang masak Khizanat sebelum ni.
Then Buull buka pintu dapur tanya apa aku masak, sebab dia kata bau sampai kat luar.

Aku tak rasa aku jenis manusia yang excited bila jumpa artis.
They're human, anyways.
I used to jalan sekarpet merah dengan Remy Ishak masa FFM dulu, and I got the seat just behind him.
Everyone knows I'm his biggest fan.
Tapi aku dah jarang excited pasal dia since Buull came.
Ha ha.

Aku melukis juga tadi.
I couldnt help it.
Benda tu kena buat bila kau memang rasa nak buat.
Bila takda mood memang takkan buat.
Kalau dipaksa memang buruk.
The other day I had a small talk with a friend.
She told me her art tutor used to say something like, "Identiti bila melukis tu penting. Sebab benda tu buat orang ingat kita. Bila orang nampak benda yang kita lukis kat tempat lain, dan lukisan tu buat orang ingat akan kita, walaupun bukan kita punya artwork."
And she told me I have "class" and she admired my artwork.
She said whenever nampak kucing or lukisan kucing, it reminds her of me.
I was like, no waaayyy.
Dia jauh lagi berbakat, plus dia ialah dalam group realisme.
You  know, boleh lukis scenery, boleh lukis potret, and of course dia boleh lukis benda lain kalau dia boleh lukis benda real.
But then she said, this is not a kiss-ass compliment.
I  dont know.
Its kinda cool bila orang kata orang suka artwork kita.
Sedangkan kita bukan sesiapa.
Kadang kadang aku pikir, adakah  orang rasa artwork aku maybe some kind of crap or bullshit.
Tapi aku suka apa yang aku lukis.
Aku suka.
It makes me happy.
And somehow my soul feels contented bila buat tu.

Remember bila aku kata aku dah lama tak berangan?
Lately ni ada juga berangan.
Benda yang sama aku berangan masa 7-8 tahun lepas.
Aku nak travel dengan artwork aku, dan buat a simple exhibition di setiap tempat yang aku pergi.
Ditemani.
Ya, ditemani.
What?
Come on, I was 22 masa tu, of course I want to be loved by someone.
But then later aku sedar mungkin takda siapa akan teman aku buat semua tu.
I'd have to do it alone.
I always thought there will be no someone.
But then I dont think people wanna buy my artwork.
How am I gonna do that for living even though its my damn dream?
Damn, why does my life has to be so miserable?

Aku tanya Buull dia ada macam impian apa apa tak.
Dia jawab dia nak travel, nak backpack.
You know, when people I love say something they're gonna do, mesti aku akan terdiam.
Sebab masa tu aku akan terfikir, am I included in their plan?
Instead of ask, I remain silent.
I dont wanna hear the answer.
It can be a rejection.
Rejection is not just about a boy rejects a girl, a girl rejects a boy.
Its more than that to me.
Its like bila mak kita nak pergi pasar malam, and we love pasar malam so much, she tells us she's going, but she doesnt really ask you to go with her, then dia start kereta and poof hilang ke pasar malam.
Thats another contoh of rejection.
So, thats me.
I am the person who is so afraid of rejection.
Or being left behind.
Or being not included in any plan of my loved ones.
But I'll just remain silent and choose not to talk about  it to anyone.
Sounds soooo me.

Talk about melukis, aku dah mula tampal sketches di dinding bilik.
At first I didnt think I would reach  that phase.
Dalam hidup aku, tampal sketches or drawings on the wall is a kind of commitment.
Because at first I thought I wont be staying in this room lama lama.
Masa rumah sewa kat Rawang dulu pun aku tak tampal.
Walaupun aku suka rumah tu.
Tiga bilik and I got the whole house hanya dengan sewa sebulan RM 180, a bit furnished.
And I lived alone.
Ya.
Ya, 180 sebulan, ya hear me.
Sounds impossible tapi benda macam tu datang sekali je dalam hidup.
But then, there they are.
The drawings and the sketches and the paintings.
On the wall.
Membiak dari sehari ke sehari.
Thinking of it, sebenarnya aku takda masalah pun nak bagi komitmen pada bilik ni.
I am no playgirl, dude.
Ha ha ha.

Tadi teringin makan Big Apple.
So me and Buull went to Jusco.
Unfortunately dah habis.
So we changed plan.
We went for sushi.
Aku suka sushi Jusco.
Walaupun murah, tapi sedap.
I've once tried Sushi King.
Dulu la.
Masa still jadi cikgu.
Tapi aku tak rasa aku suka Sushi King.
Maybe sebab aku dah terlalu lama menghambakan diri kepada sushi Jusco.
Well, bukan semua anak sungai boleh berubah macam tu saja.

Tadi Buull curi curi nak baca buku conteng aku.
Aku tak kisah pun dia baca.
Atau belek sketches dalam tu.
I have nothing to hide.
Semalam dia dapat buku sebab dapat jawab soalan Amani.
And I wrote something on the first page,

"Since the first day I saw your pretty eyelashes, I knew there's always something about you."

Dia cakap aku sweet.
I can see he's happy with I wrote.
I'm glad he is.
I'm glad I really had a broken heart two years ago.
It led me to Ipoh.
It led me to love.
And it led me to another history.
Of life.






1 comment:

  1. hurm...

    setelah membaca perenggan demi perenggan.

    its so complicated.

    tapi aku setuju dengan maksud menconteng pada wall itu komitmen.

    ReplyDelete

Jangan komen guna caps lock atau terlalu banyak tanda seru. Gua ade sakit jantung. Hehehe.